What I really, really Wanted

Ah, to dream of my ideal daily routine – it starts with a morning meditation, followed by a soulful workout and topped off with a yummy and healthy green juice – all that before 10am.  A couple years ago someone asked me to consider what I wanted, what I really, really wanted.  At the time I was a corporate gal working on a typical 9-5 schedule.  This was all I really knew in my adult post-college life (with the exception of a fabulous 6-month sabbatical that kicked off life in my 30s).

So when asked what I really, really wanted, I was surprised that the answer was a departure from the tried and true corporate structured environment I knew.  The vision was that after my healthy morning start, I’d sit down around 11am to begin “my work”.  What work my mother asked – she was completely blown away by the idea that I would consider leaving a safe corporate workplace – that was how I’d largely defined myself up until now.  So what would this look like?  I didn’t know (and still only have an outline of the concept) and yet it was calling to me.  Something for the first time in a really long time felt congruent when I considered this alternative lifestyle – doing something so far outside my comfort zone.

What I really, really wanted I sat with this concept for a long time – fretting mostly about the fact that I’d be losing the security of my health insurance.  How messed up is our system that not having a “secure” job was way down the list of priorities, yet wondering how to pay for the premium health insurance I was accustomed was a major factor that largely held me back from making a change… and one reason the reality of my new lifestyle took 2 years to catch up to the vision of the seed I’d planted.

What’s remarkable is that as time wore on, this bold unattainable vision just started becoming not a big deal.  Let’s just play this out – what if I stepped away from the corporate world, and this new lifestyle didn’t materialize into the ice cream sundae I dreamed of?  Guess what – I could step back in!

As this sense of change continued to look more reachable, the universe jumped in to grant me amazing gifts – an opportunity to spend a month in an intensive retreat at Esalen Institute, a 10-day spiritual journey to India with 33 fellow spiritual travelers guided by my meditation teacher, and some much needed quality time back in my hometown to handle family matters that were pending after my father passed away the previous year.  That’s when it became crystal clear – this is the moment!

So I sold off most of my belongings – just one tiny storage unit left of some precious items is all I own.  I moved across the country back to my hometown and gave myself the gift to spend some quality time connecting with friends, making new acquaintances, enjoying quiet contemplative time and exploring the next chapter of my journey.

And this is where things get really interesting.  Suddenly the question of what I really, really, really wanted became more murky.  I can see part of the vision and yet there is still so much unknown, as I mention here.  I started questioning what is next.   The more I reflected on this, I was filled with confusion distrusting myself and my intuition.   It wasn’t until I met with my meditation teacher and clearly outlined all the leaps of faith and trust I’ve used to to get me this far.  What a wise reminder that helped me re-calibrate.

Yes, of course, there are a few (actually, lots of) unknowns about this next chapter, and while it can be uncomfortable to sit in this space, it’s exactly where I’m meant to be.  Sitting with discomfort can provide the baseline to have a breakthrough, to experience something from a different vantage point.

When I wrapped up my experience at Esalen, I began a discussion with someone about this unknown space, contemplating my next step.   She heard me use the phrase I’m trying to figure it out and invited me to consider a simple way to rephrase my thought process, such as, “I wonder how this will unfold” or “I’m curious what this will look like”.  What a game changer!  This shift has been remarkable allowing me to receive even more abundant support from friends and provide much needed space to consider new realms of opportunities.  I pass this on to you in the hope that you will take a step to follow your curiosity and consider what it is that you really, really want.

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